THINGS PotC would never say
by alyssialui
Summary: Heres another one for those who know what I usually write. These are statements never heard uttered from the mouths of your favourite PotC characters. Hope you enjoy. Quick note: its gonna be short chaps, mayb a little break until my muse comes back
1. Chapter 1

Will Turner: "I should have told you everday from the moment I met you. I'm an eunuch."

jack in a girly voice after waking up: i think im gonna do the right thing today!!

Will Turner (upon seeing the Kraken): Jack, you're going to need a bigger boat.

Will: Omg, did you hear that people think we're anti-christian for insulting the monkey?

Jack: Lol, lyke beep that. beheads an undead pirate

Elizabeth: looks down I gotta find a way to make my boobs smaller

Jack (upon seeing Norrington): Uh-oh, looks like Norrington's off his medication again

**Jack:** I don't need any rum. I quit. It's bad for the liver, you know.

**Will:** You know what, Elizabeth? To hell with you. You are way too much trouble, and I'm leaving. abandons her

**Monkey: **Oh my God. It's earth! You maniacs! You blew it up!


	2. Chapter 2

**Elizabeth: **You know what, Will? To hell with you. You are way too much trouble, and I'm leaving. abandons him

**Beckett: **Oh, who cares about pirates? Maybe if we leave them all alone, they'll just go away.

**Barbossa:** It's a little known fact that I hate apples. Hate them, hate them, hate them, hate them, _hate them_.

Jack Sparrow: "I'm a virgin"

Elizabeth: "I've had enough of pouting"

Will: "I'm afraid I can't take my shirt off as I'm a serious actor and not in this movie to encourage a female audience"

Jack: I'm dying to pee!!

Elizabeth: You cost me my wedding night. You don't know how hard it was to find all those toys and hide them from my Father's knowledge. Do you know how hard it is to get a whip to this place?

Will: "whose the better kisser? Jack or me?"

Elizabeth: "I play a very convincing male stowaway. I knew you'd all be fooled by my girly walk and not-so-manly-voice. I knew you wouldn't line up the whole crew and go through everyone until said stowaway was found. I also knew when you saw a flying dress you wouldn't see strings and look up. Funny that."


	3. Chapter 3

Cutler Beckett: (to Elizabeth) Screw you -- go ahead and shoot.

* * *

Scarlett or Giselle: Oh, dear Jackie-poo!! How is my darling? He hasn't called me in ages, but I do love him so!

* * *

Governor Swann: Lemme unlock the barred door and leave for a couple hours, you two lovebirds do what you have to do.

* * *

Tia Dalma: I'll trade ya da jar o' dirt for a toothbrush, Jack Sparrow...

* * *

Jack:I never really wanted to be a pirate...all I want to do is SING!

* * *

in the belly of the Kracken Jack: So, um, your a Kracken. How's that working out for you?

Kracken: Eh, can't complain.

* * *

Elizabeth: You know Will I'm starting to think you only like me for my money.

Will: (as he tries on a ruby studded diamond ring) Now where'd you get that idea?

* * *

Elizabeth: Dad what's your beef with Will?

Governor Swann: Duh! He's a eunich!

* * *

Pintel: 'Ello puppet.

Elizabeth: (snorts) Dream on baldie!

* * *

Will: Jack why am I friends with you? You make fun of me, you betray me and every time I try to help you it just gets me or Elizabeth in trouble.


	4. Chapter 4

Gov. Swann:"No fair!! I wanna be a pirate too!!"

* * *

Jack: Screw rum tonight, man, i just gotta dance!

* * *

Elizabeth: James Norrington, now that you've chucked the wig and look incredibly hott and piratey--let's ditch Will Turner and run away together!

* * *

Will: I loooovvveee you, Daddy! hug

* * *

Norrington: I rather dislike this wig. I prefer my hair to be tangled and clothes splattered with mud.

* * *

Kraken: ...did I mention I'm a vegetarian?

* * *

Will Turner: Captain Jack Sparrow is dead? Time to get a new Captain then. Let's go through our list of replacements: Captain Spalding, Captain Kangaroo, Captain Crunch...

* * *

Davy Jones: ARGH! I hate having a live squid for a beard! You never get to shave!

* * *

Will/Liz: i know we've already done the first movie but we're still 'SO' surprised when Jack does something secretive, sneaky, selfish, low cowardly like rowing away in the boat leaving us to fight the Kracken alone

Jack: will either one of you try and remember i'm a damn pirate. please just try!

* * *

Davy Jones: You know i'm re thinking and i actually don't want You jack on my boat. Look at your track record... every boat you have sinks or is destroyed. 


	5. Chapter 5

41. Liz: (after cuffing Jack) You know i really am incredibly sorry about all this because deep down I love you and from this action I've just proved everything you have said prior about us two being similar. But come on Jack, we have to think of the movie... you need to die so we can have a sequal and bring you back and i can continue to be torn between the two heart throbs. Savvy?

* * *

42. Jack:ok everyone..i know this'll be hard to take...but i am in fact...a eunuch.

Elizabeth:great! that's just great...two eunuchs and a virgin!

Will: Great plot twist tho.

Elizabeth: oh shut up

* * *

43. Priest: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the love between Elizabeth and Kraken.

Elizabeth: I do

Kraken: (in muffled voice) I do

Priest: I now pronounce you Beastie and Wife. You now may uh eat ...I mean kiss the bride.

Kraken: Yippee!! (Sudden booming noice, and tearing. The kraken falls back into the sea and Jack climbs out...covered in slime).

Jack: I told ye we'd get married, ready for the wedding night?

Elizabeth: Why do you think I married that beastie? (Faints).

* * *

44. Barbossa: So tell me...how the beep am I still alive?

* * *

45. Jack: Hi, my name is CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow, and I have a drinking problem.

* * *

46. Will: as Liz descends the ladder and gets in the boat after macking Jack You Be-otch! turns away and cries

* * *

47. Jack: Paprika? I thought this was Axe Body Spray!!

* * *

48. Tia Dalma: Who needs an undead monkey? Give me William Turn-ah!!!

* * *

49. jack: screw the rum im going to get myself a real drink

* * *

50. .norrington: beckett you know i've always liked you winks 


	6. Chapter 6

beckett: (talking about jack) handcuff him  
jack: kinky

* * *

Davey- Anyone want fish for supper?

* * *

jack: do i really have to drink all that rum  
liz: ye  
jack: cant you just burn it like you did on the island  
liz: nope  
jack: are you sure?  
liz: of course  
jack: thank goodness for that (jack walks off)  
will: burps  
liz: pig  
jack: (runs back in)why is the rum always gone!?

* * *

will: shut up govoner swann your an idot

* * *

Will: I'm no simpleton(sp?) Jack, you knew my father!  
Jack: I am your father!

* * *

Jack: No more rum... anything but more rum... I need some non-alcoholic cider or low-fat milk!

* * *

Davey Jones: Oh, no. Jack Sparrow, or some other layabout, appears to have stolen my heart, thus making me incredibly vulnerable to attack. What a pity. Anyone for some tuna sanwiches?

* * *

Governor Swann: (at beginning of DMC at the wedding/arrest) Cutler Beckett? ... (girly) Why didn't you call me last night!?

* * *

Gibbs: Having women on ships is a GREAT idea! In fact, I'll jump over board just so there can be a higher woman to man ratio on board! 


	7. Chapter 7

**Submitted by _me-heart-long-4-ye-SPARROW:_**

tia dalma: I'll trade ya da jar o' dirt for a toothbrush, Jack Sparrow...  
CAPTAIN jack sparrow: well, actually, thats what i came for in the first place.  
tia dalma: ...?  
CAPTAIN jack sparrow: ...i need a toothbrush too.  
tia dalma: dat so?  
CAPTAIN jack sparrow: aye. never thought this day would come. but WOMEN JUST DONT WANNA KISS ME NO MORE DAMN!  
tia dalma: you never asked me if i vanted ter kiss yer...  
CAPTAIN jack sparrow: oh, bugger.

* * *

Beckett: On second thoughts, I don't really want Davey Jones' heart. I think I'll quit the EITC and go and join the circus, as the midget, because I _am_ pretty short. And I look like a creepy goblin sometimes. Yay! Norrington? Would you like to join to?  
Norrington: Why yes, I will. It'll be a nice change from all this navy and piracy related stuff I've been doing for the past 15 or so years. Huzzah! To the circus, then!  
Beckett: Yes, huzzah!

* * *

Jack: I don't really need to get the Black Pearl back... I'll buy a toy boat instead!

* * *

Jack: Will, you're a very smart, very piratical man and I think you are very cool and I in no way think you're a eunuch. I take back every derogatory comment I ever made about you, as you are so brilliant and not gullible.

* * *

Elizabeth: Beckett, I love you and will stay here in Port Royal, and just sit here embroidering EITC logos onto doilies. I don't need Jack, Will or freedom.

* * *

Norrington: Hmm... maybe joining the navy all those years ago was a bad idea. I should've stayed home in England and become a tailor or a baker, then I never would've sailed through a hurricane of Tripoli.

* * *

Beckett: Oh, the EITC is boring... WHY did I join in the first place? And being a lord sucks too. Maybe I'll quit and just go swimming all day long...

* * *

Jack: Rum's boring... I'm switching to white wine spritzers!

* * *

Elizabeth: So this compass points to your hearts desire??  
JS: of course my dear  
Elizabeth: Then you try it first  
JS: Alright... Men... 76 thousand paces that way  
-76 thousand paces later-  
Elizabeth: Were outside a Chuckie cheese??  
JS: Ive always wanted to try the Whack-a-Mole

* * *

Liz: "You know Will taught me how to handle a sword"  
Jack: "Let's see how well he taught you then"  
_Liz pulls out her sword, ready to spar_  
Jack:"That's not what i meant!"

* * *

Jack: The rum is gone? EXCELLENT! I've only been drinking that stuff because people keep giving it to me for my birthday. I'm really trying to get on the wagon and give up alcohol and then become vegan and go and live in a monestary in Austria, where I shall be known as Brother Benedict, as I shall take the name of the pious monk Benedict. 


	8. Chapter 8

Will: I'm a eunuch! Sorry to disappoint, Liz, but my father wanted me to be a castrated choir boy, but he got there too late with the scissors. So I'm kinda screwed.

* * *

Beckett: What mark did he leave on me? He wrote 'LOSER' on my forehead in permanent marker after I'd passed out drunk at his party back when we were in uni together. We studied International Studies together, but then we both gave it up after we decided that we'd rather go out and chase each other around in big ships in the Caribbean. I'll always regret that. Kids, stay in school.

* * *

Liz: Will... Jack... Will... Jack... I can't choose! Eh, I'll just go and marry Murtagh. Or Malfoy. Whoever can afford a new dress for me, because I used my other one to get those sailors to go to Tortuga.

* * *

Ragetti: Look! Pintel! Me eye! It's staying in!!!

* * *

-Davey Jones is walking smowly towards Jack as Jack sprinkles a ring of dirt around himself-  
Jack: Ha-ha-ha you can't get me!  
Davey Jones: -steps over ring of dirt-  
Jack: um...parley?

* * *

Jack: Ive got a jar of dirt and guess wats inside it  
Davey Jones: I already got back me heart  
Jack: Look a little lower  
Davey: -looks down- Oh bugger

* * *

Elizabeth: Will!  
Will: Guard the chest!  
Elizabeth: Okay! (goes back to guard the chest)

* * *

Elizabeth: Oh fine! Let's bang our swords away at each other, that'll...  
Will: Oh shut up Elizabeth, you're such a nag!  
Jack and Norrington: OOOHH!  
(Elizabeth marches up to Will)  
Elizabeth: Let me tell you something right now William Turner, I DID ALL THIS FOR YOU! I CAME ALL THIS WAY FOR YOU! I PUT UP WITH JACK...  
Jack: Hey!  
Elizabeth: FOR YOU! AND NOW THE ONLY THING YOU CAN TELL ME IS 'Oh, you're such a nag!' WELL I HAVE NEWS FOR YOU.  
(Slaps Will)  
Elizabeth: WE ARE THROUGH, DO YOU HEAR ME WILL? THROUGH!  
(marches off, passing Pintel and Ragetti, who are staring at her)  
Elizabeth: AND WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT!

* * *

Elizabeth: If it weren't for these bars, I'd have you already.  
Will: (makes an ewww face) I'll have you after you take a bath.

* * *

Elizabeth: Will...Im pregnant  
(dramatic music; zoom up on Will...and Jack) 


	9. Chapter 9

**Submitted by _Jacquotte_:**

(After pieces of the Krakan were blown off and left smoldering on the pearls deck:

"Yea, Fried Calamari! Eat up me heartys Yo-HO!"

* * *

Davy Jones: You are neither dead nor dying! What is your purpose here?!  
Will Turner: (cheerfully) I'm here to find Nemo!

* * *

Elizabeth: Captain Sparrow!  
Jack: Come to join me crew lad? Welcome aboard!  
Elizabeth: I'm here to find the man I love.  
Jack: Someone call a lawyer! I want to file a restraining order!  
Elizabeth: Meaning William Turner.  
Jack: Oh. Do you think Will will want a restraining order?  
Elizabeth: IT'S ME YOU STUPID PIRATE!  
Jack: Oh. Elizabeth.

* * *

Jack: I've got a jar of dirt! I've got a jar of dirt! And guess what's inside it?!  
Davy Jones: Oh! Let me guess! It's a rubber duck!  
Jack: (totally dumbfounded) No.  
Davy Jones: A set of keys?  
Jack: No.  
Davy Jones: I give up.  
Jack: IT'S YOUR HEART YOU SLIMY GIT!  
Davy Jones: I knew that!

* * *

Member of Davy Jones' crew: Down on yer marrabones and pray!  
(Will is in the fetal position, sucking his thumb.)

* * *

Barbossa: So tell me, what's become of my ship?  
(He bites into his apple, then falls to the ground.)  
Mr. Gibbs: What the (bleep)!  
Elizabeth: Wait a minute! That's the apple from Snow White and the Seven Dwarves!  
Ragetti: And now the only way we can bring him back is to give him a kiss.  
(Everyone falls silent.)  
Will: Who wants doughnuts?  
Everyone: Me!  
(They all go for doughnts, leaving Barbossa behind.)

* * *

Beckett: Maybe you remember a certain pirate by the name of Jack Sparrow?  
Elizabeth: Captain! Captain Jack Sparrow.  
Will: (to camera in one of those fast radio voices) Jack Sparrow is a trademark of Walt Disney Studios and Michael Eisner Corportation. Posessions and royalties of this character belong to Eisner, Verbinski, Disney, and etc. Any use of Jack Sparrow or Captain Jack Sparrow is copyrighted to the people of Disney Studios. Any copying or "pirating" of said character may result in a lawsuit, jailtime, or a fine of up to $250,000. Jack Sparrow is a fictious character, likeness to real people, places, or things is purely coincidental. 

Liz: Also hes mine...SO BACK OFF!!!  
Beckett: ...

* * *

Elizabeth: And it certainly doesn't show you what you want most.  
Jack: Why, what do you want most?  
Elizabeth: (In voice of Violet from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory) I want another pony!  
Beckett: So do I!  
Elizabeth, Jack: What're you doing here?  
Beckett: I got bored... so I followed you...  
Elizabeth, Jack: How?  
Beckett: Why, I stowed away in one of the rum barrels!  
Jack: The rum! Elizabeth: And it certainly doesn't show you what you want most. Jack: Why, what do you want most? Elizabeth: (In voice of Violet from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory) I want another pony! Beckett: So do I! Elizabeth, Jack: What're you doing here? Beckett: I got bored... so I followed you... Elizabeth, Jack: How? Beckett: Why, I stowed away in one of the rum barrels! Jack: The rum!

* * *

Tia Dalma (referring to the jar of dirt): I could take it back  
Jack: Yes, by all means. I'm just here for rum!

* * *

Will: What mark did he leave on you?  
Beckett: I'll give you a hint...He's the reason I wear a wig.  
(Will takes a few steps back awkwardly) 


	10. Chapter 10

Jack: LOOK, I HAVE RUM!

* * *

Norrington: Turner, join me at a tavern.

* * *

Governor Swann: Who gives a rat ass about Lizzie, I want to keep my wig, dammit!

* * *

-Monkey tosses Jack's hat.-  
Gibbs: Jack's hat! Turn her about!  
Random Crew member: But if the krakken's coming after us...shouldnt we start moving?  
Jack Sparrow: the Krakken. I want my hat.

* * *

-Indigenous people give Jack that toe necklace-  
-He chews on the end-  
Jack Sparrow: ...Ew...I'm pretty sure I said well done.

* * *

Natives: Eww...do we really want to eat someting that hott?? Lets get Gibbs  
Others: YAAAAAA!!1

* * *

jack: yes the rum is gone...forever!!!!!

* * *

will:liz you slut...norrington,you can have her!

* * *

liz:will...i should have told you every moment from the moment i met you...i hate you!

* * *

davy jones:jack...i...i...want you to know...i am your father...(as jack kills him) 


	11. Chapter 11

**Submitted by _DJizcool:_**

Will: Jack! Elizabeth just jumped overboard and she was carrying the chest with Davy Jones's heart in it!  
Jack: Screw it! The rum is gone!

* * *

norrington: i dont want her...eww she has pirate germs

* * *

beckett: yo ho yo ho a pirates life for me.

* * *

Becket (Instructing his officers, who are looking for Jack): If he's very drunk, there should be no problem. If he's only a little drunk, be careful.  
Officer: And if he's sober?

Becket: Then you've got the wrong man.

* * *

Jack: You can see rum any time you like.  
Gibbs: How?  
Jack: By believing, Mr Gibbs. Just believe

* * *

Jack: "Luke, I am your father"  
Will: "Dude, I'm Will".  
Jack: "Luke, don't back chat your father!"

* * *

Ragetti: They've got me eye Pintel, they won't give it back!  
Pintel: Well, how'd you... wait, they've?  
(Yoda is fighting with the monkey for Ragetti's eye)  
Yoda: Mine! Mine!  
Ragetti: Give that back, it's mine!  
Yoda: Why this you want? See with it you can't!  
(Jumps on Ragetti, Ragetti screams like a girl)  
Ragetti: Get him off me! Get him off me!  
(Falls off the deck with Yoda)

* * *

(After Bootstrap Bill has given Will the knife)  
(cricket chirp)  
Bootstrap Bill: Well? I'm waiting.  
Will: Ah, to heck with you! You're the one who chose to join Davy Jones' crew! I'm getting off this crazy ship!  
(Jumps into boat, which falls into the water)

* * *

Jack: These clothes do not flatter you at all. In fact, they make you look fat.  
Elizabeth: WHAT!!!!  
(jumps on Jack and starts strangling him)  
Mr. Gibbs: Hey, that's the captain you're messing with!  
Elizabeth: Oh, shut up!  
(kicks him into Norrington, and they both fall off the pier)

* * *

Pintel: Welcome to the crew, former Commodore!  
(gives him an anvil instead of a goat, which falls onto his feet)  
Norrington: OW! (curses like there's no tomorrow)  
Pintel: Wait a minute! This is already a PG-13 movie, do you want it to go all the way up to an R?  
Norrington: I don't care if it goes up to a (bleep) X-rating because of my (bleep) cursing! Why the (bleep) did you give me a (bleep) anvil?! You were supposed to give me a (bleep) you (bleep, bleep)!  
Pintel:-O

* * *

Mr. Gibbs: The Pelecostas believe that Jack is a god in human form, and they will do him the honor of releasing him from his fleshy prison. They'll roast him and eat him!  
(Mr. Cotton bites Mr. Gibbs fingers)  
Mr. Gibbs: Ow! OW! Mr. Cotton, you're doing that too hard! You really need to get your teeth filed!  
(Mr. Cotton raises his arms above his head and mouths things)  
Mr. Gibbs: (suddenly getting angry) Nobody talks about my mother like that!  
(beats up Mr. Cotton) 


	12. Chapter 12

(Norri falls in the pig sty, Elizabeth helps him up, Norri suddenly begins looking around frantically)  
Norrington: Squirrel? Squirrel!  
(a little rat suddenly crawls onto his shoulder)  
Norrington: (happy) I was looking all over for you Squirrel!

* * *

Jack: Go Diego Go!! Vamanos Diego Bamanos  
Will: Youve been watching too much Dora  
Jack: -in a dora outfit, with hairstyle and backpack- No...

* * *

Will: You've been watching to much Daytime soap operas Elizabeth.  
Elizabeth: -dies and comes back, dies and comes back, dies and comes back- No I haven't. -Goes with Jack, then back to Will, then to Norrington, then to Barbossa, then back to Jack.  
Jack: Yes you have

* * *

Member of Davy Jones' crew: Five lashes will remind you to stay honored!  
Bootstrap Bill: No! I'll do it!  
(He lashes Will so hard that his clothes are covered with blood.)  
Will: Ow. Can't move

* * *

Elizabeth: "So how did you manage on that island all by yourself?"  
Jack: "WILLLLLLLLSOOOOOOON!!!"

* * *

Will: "Care for a drink, Jack?"  
Jack: "Oh no thank you, William. I've been sober for 76 days and counting. Says so here on me' button."

* * *

(Elizabeth and Jack in Jack's cabin)  
Jack: "Are you ready now, love? 'No dress' and all?"  
Elizabeth: "Alright! I'm ready to come out of the closet!"  
Jack: "A-HA! At last! My curiosity has been running wild for too long!"  
Elizabeth: (Walks out of the closet fully clothed) No, really. I'm "coming out of the closet."

* * *

Parrot: BRRROK! DON'T EAT ME!!!  
(Will grabs the parrot and bites the head off cannabalistically)  
Will: "Hmm. Tastes like chicken."

* * *

(Jack tied up on the human shishkabob stick about to be cooked)  
Jack: (Blows excessively)  
(Fire spreads, and Jack tries to wiggle the pole off the stands)  
(The wooden stand holding the pole splits more because of this and as a result, the pole holding Jack gets wedged into the wood)  
Jack: "Well CRAP."

* * *

(Will wakes up after being knocked out by the paddle to Elizabeth's face)  
Will: "Where's the chest?"  
Elizabeth: "What chest?"  
Will: "THE chest! The chest that JACK supposedly found?!"  
Elizabeth: "Will, I am not sure what sort of vile drink you've been sipping, but there is NO chest!!! And WHO is Jack?!" 


	13. Chapter 13

Mr. Cotton: "What's up?"

* * *

(Black Pearl gets swallowed by Kraken; shot of the crew in the longboat looking solemn and the camera zooms in on Will who folds his hands)  
Will: "Don't let accidents happen to you. With Allstate Life Insurance we make sure your loved ones are protected even after you're gone. That's Allstate's stand. Are YOU in good hands?" (Will unfolds his hands and continues to look saddened.)

* * *

Jack to Barbossa: "Eh, you can have the Pearl. I've been meaning to settle down and rethink my values."

* * *

Elizabeth to Jack the night after the campfire party: "Jack, I think I'm pregnant..."  
Jack: (GULP)"With...a BABY?"  
Elizabeth: "PSYCH!!!!!! MWAHAHAHA!!! You should've seen the look on your  
face!!!"  
Jack: "Where's the rum...?"  
Elizabeth: "Gone."  
Jack: "Haha very funny, enough with the games."  
Elizabeth: "No seriously, I'm burning it as we speak

* * *

Will-sitting out on the deck-: I've always admired how Jack is so fluent in pirate lingo.  
Elizabeth: Yeah, I thought it was always sort of cool.  
Jack Sparrow: -walks out of cabin in gangster get up, baggy pants, over sized jersey, big chain necklaces, a pimp ring, and gold grills- Yo, homies.  
Will:-sarcasm-...cute 


	14. Chapter 14

Mr. Cotton: "What's up?"

* * *

(Black Pearl gets swallowed by Kraken; shot of the crew in the longboat looking solemn and the camera zooms in on Will who folds his hands)  
Will: "Don't let accidents happen to you. With Allstate Life Insurance we make sure your loved ones are protected even after you're gone. That's Allstate's stand. Are YOU in good hands?" (Will unfolds his hands and continues to look saddened.)

* * *

Jack to Barbossa: "Eh, you can have the Pearl. I've been meaning to settle down and rethink my values."

* * *

Elizabeth to Jack the night after the campfire party: "Jack, I think I'm pregnant..."  
Jack: (GULP)"With...a BABY?"  
Elizabeth: "PSYCH!!!!!! MWAHAHAHA!!! You should've seen the look on your  
face!!!"  
Jack: "Where's the rum...?"  
Elizabeth: "Gone."  
Jack: "Haha very funny, enough with the games."  
Elizabeth: "No seriously, I'm burning it as we speak

* * *

Will:-sitting out on the deck- I've always admired how Jack is so fluent in pirate lingo.  
Elizabeth: Yeah, I thought it was always sort of cool.  
Jack Sparrow: -walks out of cabin in gangster get up, baggy pants, over sized jersey, big chain necklaces, a pimp ring, and gold grills-Yo, homies.  
Will: -sarcasm-...cute

* * *

Jack: Oh stuff all this pirate nonsense! I'm going to work in port royal!!

* * *

Jack: If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with ma friends  
Liz: I already did that

* * *

Elizabeth: Perhaps we can come to some sort of understanding. I'm here to negotiate.  
Beckett: I'm listening.  
( Elizabeth points and cocks gun.)  
Beckett: Aw! No, please don't shoot me!

* * *

Jack: So first we're gonna braid each others hair

Will: yeah yeah, and they we're gonna stay up and watch scary movies

Jack: And then we're gonna paint each others nails

Liz (walking in): Hey guys? What are you doing in here and why is it so dark??

Will: Ahhh!! Girl!!!

Jack: She cant get us in our inpenetrable pillow fort

Will: Take that girl (throws teddy bear)

Liz: Ahhh!! (shields face) (falls to the floor)

Will: The girl is vanquished, captain

Jack: Captain?? I like that...

* * *

Jack: Ta heck with this, I hate the sea -rides off on his camel-

* * *

jack: ..im going to rehab to sort out this rum abuse

* * *

Cotton: Hi

* * *

-jack opens his compass-  
jack: elizabeth when i gave you this compass to find the thing you want most i didn't mean turn it into a compact mirror 


	15. DMC spoof

Governor Swann lets Elizabeth out of jail where he's set up a passage to London for her. He also bluntly points out that he hates Will with a passion that any father about to get his daughter deflowered would have. Beckett's MANSERVANT arrests Gov'ner and kills the captain of the "safe passage" ship. Elizabeth gets away.  
Beckett: Oh no. Someone stole my Letters of Marque. -palms face-  
Elizabeth: That would be me. -Points gun-  
Beckett: Oh right. Well I better make them valid. I should also touch a soft spot and insinuate that you care dearly about saving Jack and you defensively retort...  
Elizabeth: TO SAVE WILL!!!  
Beckett: Suuuuure. By the way, the puckering does nothing for me love... so just... no. Stop. STOP! AH! The TORTURE! The pain!  
Elizabeth: Leaves.  
END SCENE  
Pintel and Ragetti are on a small boat. They shortly explain that they escaped prison which gives reason for why they are in this movie and not dead... like it seemed like they would be at the end of the first one. They speak intelligently about religion and the dichotomy of good and evil when all of a sudden they decide to take the Black Pearl which is STILL stationed at Cannibal Island.  
END DESCRIPTION  
Approximately twelve crew men in two separate bone cages dangle over a huge tropical canyon.  
Will: Holy crap! We're in bone cages! We're dangling over a huge tropical canyon! Why did Jack do this to meee. After all we've been through. -Begins to sob like the little girl that he is-  
Mr. Gibbs: Pipe down! Slaps Will.  
Will: Immediately stops.  
Mr. Gibbs: You see, the cannibals think Jack looks like a drunken gay peacock. Hence the eyes drawn on his cheeks. The peacock is quite a delicacy in the Pelegostos culture.  
Will: So they're going to make hot bird/man love to him?  
Mr. Gibbs: -sigh-... No Will... no no...  
Will: Listen! I want a piece of that action, and I think y'all do too! So we have to get out of these bone cages!  
END SCENE  
Jack: My name JACK! JACK is KING! JACK KING OFF! Pardon, JACK KING OF LAND! So give me one spanking hot FLAME PIT!  
Jack runs like hell.  
Jack: Oh huzzah! A... a... hut! That's unusual! With erm, rope! Even MORE unusual! And a shaker of Paprika? FINALLY! Something that should be on an isolated jungle island! Wobble.  
Cannibals: Mmmm... tasty meaaat! We FIND YOU! You try and RUN! WE catch you! HAHA! Silly FOOOOD.  
Jack: Oh beep OKAY! I am going to be clever now and put the seasoning on my armpits!!! HAHAHA!!! I AM TOO GOOD! I'll also be a little gay and smell myself!  
Cannibals: FI-RAH! Tie Jack to big... long... stick! PUT OVER FLAME! HUZZAH!  
Jack: But! Didn't I amuse you with my seasoning spiel?  
Cannibals: Grin with gleeee!  
Fangirls: Rip hair out of scalps. Johnny Depp? Tied to a big...long...stick? ZOMGWTFSOGOOD!  
Jack: That's hot. ... The fire is too.  
END SCENE  
After losing the less attractive pirates in the other bone cage due to the snappage of some very weak rope, Will, Mr. Gibbs, etc. roll their cage throughout the jungle while being chased by a buttload of cannibals.  
Will: FUN!  
Mr. Gibbs: WOOT!  
Tree: WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING!  
Canyon: Come play with me rolling ball!  
Hamster: It's SO not as fun as it looks... --  
Water: Even though you all just fell hundreds of feet at a very high speed, I am going to miraculously break your fall! And let you out of that bone cage too.  
Will: Thanks Water! Hey everyone, let's go impossibly dodge every single arrow that flies at us!  
END SCENE  
Jack escapes from his fiery flame pit... still attached to the big long stick.  
Jack: COCONUTS! Now I am going to amaze you audience with my kickass gymnastic skills that I have never revealed to anyone until this fateful day!  
Cannibal Women: Not Anused. Throw fruit.  
Jack: STOP THROWING FRUITY BALLS AT MY FACE! I get enough of that from Will! Luckily, I know how to counter that. You just have to know how to position your big...long... stick right between each fruity ball.  
Cannibal Women: DIE! WE GO KILL YOU AND TURN YOU INTO HUMAN SHISH KABOB!!!  
Jack: Flys through the air. Amazingly does not break a single bone falling hundreds of feet and crashing into every bridge that (as the writers would like us to believe) break his fall. Nearly misses a shish kabobbing through some body tissue. Ouch.  
Jack voodoo doll: And what part do I play in all of this? Why am I on the poster then...  
END SCENE  
Will: Where's Will? I mean Jack! I mean me?! I mean... beep I don't know what's going on but I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE WITHOUT THAT UMM... PROTRACTOR THING!!!  
Jack kills a puppy with keys and is chased by more cannibals but makes it to the Black Pearl. They sail off.  
Will: Jack... give me your compass or SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES!  
Jack: Which would be?  
Will: Well, umm... that would be, erm... ELIZABETH DYING!  
Jack: Ooh! Thank goodness. I thought you were going to throw your fruity balls at me again.  
Will: It's NOT THE TIME for that Jack. -pout-  
Jack: Fine, my boy, then why the hell should I give two beep about What's Her Face?  
Will: Because!  
Jack: Listen. You're going to risk limb and life, go out and get me this key which belongs to Davy Jones, (the DEVIL of the sea), and then I'll give you this wee little compass. So be a good lil' girl and comply, savvy?  
Will: OKAY! -grins excitedly- Hee!  
Jack: Gibby! Let's go the swamp.  
END SCENE  
On a non-pirate ship sailing away from Port Royal.  
Ugly Sailor: Oh my god! Uglier Sailor, I found us a dress!  
Uglier Sailor: WOOT! Now we can play those kinky dress-up games like we used to! Down below we go!  
Ugliest Sailor: NO! It's totally mine! -grab-

Captain of the HONEST but ugly ship: NO! There's a naked virgin stowaway with pent-up sexual desires that is on our ship!  
Boy! Elizabeth: BUAHAHAHAHA! Now that my cleavage isn't popping out of my dress, no one can see the breast shading! So now they look small. I'm so happy I can be a young boy! Now I can finally please Will!  
END SCENE  
Crew of the Black Pearl rowing in boats up a SCARY DARK DANK SWAMP!  
Will: Mr. Gibbs... could you please inform me what the hell is going on. Like, I don't know! And I don't know why I don't know! -Voice gets shrill, pace quickens. Much like Michael Jackson- We're in this really narrow lake thing and sometimes I get so confused I just don't know what to do... and I... and I! -eyes tear up-  
Mr. Gibbs: William... we're in a swamp. We don't want to go out to open sea because then a giant sea monster will suction your pretty face off.  
Will: -palms face- Oh my god! Not my face!  
Iguana: Pst... BOO!  
Will: AAAHHHH!!!! -cough- No, Will, remember what I told you about screaming like that. That's why you have to be noble! -slap self-  
Jack and Gibbs get off boats because they have arrived at TIA DALMA's LOVE SHACK!  
Jack: Oh dear. Must. Protect. Front.  
Will: Why? Did you steal her boat? I hope she SLAPS YOU!  
Jack enters Love Shack.  
Tia Dalma: Jack beep Twist!  
Jack: Sorry Tia, I'm no Jake Gyllenhaul.  
Readers not aquainted with Brokeback Mountain: ... I don't...know. -Closes Internet Browser-  
Tia Dalma: Oooh, Jaaaack. I always knowed you would blow wind in my back for me one day. Looks at Will who has gotten over his girly kick and has decided to be manly and noble again for the time being.  
Will: Raises eyebrows, smirks, and pouts.  
Tia Dalma: YOU! You dair! All manly and pretty! WILLIAM... TURNAH!  
Will: You speak raise-eyebrow/smirk/pout talk?  
Tia Dalma: What service may I do you? Better yet, can I do you?  
Audience: Isn't she being a bit forward for a Disney movie?  
Jack: -gasp!- TIA! I demand you tell me where to find the key of Davy Jones while I swagger around a bit and steal your rings just so the camera can show that you have a LOCKET shaped like a crab.  
Tia: Jack, do you haf a black spot or not?  
Jack: Umm.. no?  
Tia: DAVY JONES! He twas a great sailor! And den he fell in love...  
Will: With Jack?!  
Tia: No... with a woMAN.  
Will: Yeah! So with Jack?!  
Tia: And den she broke him heart so he cut it out of him and locked it away in de chest. Jack... you need this... Hands Jack the infamous JAR OF DIRT! A touch of DESTINY will show you where the Flying Doucheman is.  
END SCENE  
The Black Pearl is in the middle of a big wet storm and it looks out onto a ship run aground on a reef.  
Will: That's... the Flying Doucheman?  
Jack: No Will, it's the Flying Dutchman.  
Will: Oh. Then where's the Flying Douche—  
Jack: William, just STFU and get me the damn key.  
Will: Okay! Hee!  
Will rows over to the RunAground Ship.  
Will: Oy! You sailor! Where's the key of Davy Jones?  
Sailor: Oh my god! It's going to SUCK YOUR PRETTY FACE OFF! The FOUL BREATH!!!  
Will: Well that's rather rude. -reaches in pocket, gets out a mentos and pops in mouth- There... better? Hoh.  
Guy with face SUCTIONED OFF!: Hello. -throb-  
Will: Holy beep  
Davy Jones' undead sailor AKA Barnacle Boy: BOO!  
Will: HOLY SHIIIIT!!!!  
A BUNCH of undead soldiers surround Will.  
Will: No matter, no matter! I am going to SCARE you all away with my FLAME SWORD! HA HA! Get back!  
Hard Object: COLLIDES WITH WILL'S HEAD. Will lays motionless and knocked-out.  
END SCENE  
Will is now awake with five other men on their knees surrounded by the undead crew of Davy Jones.  
Davy Jones' Peg Leg: THUD!  
Davy Jones: I... am Davy Jones-Zah! Join me, and I'll postpone your death-tha! -snort-  
Will: Teehee. -mumble-talkfunnyteehee-mumble-  
Davy Jones: YOU! You look too sexy to be dead or dying...why are you here?  
Will: To SAVE THE WOMAN I LOVE! And Jack Sparrow.  
Jack looks on through his telescope.  
Davy Jones: Boo-yah.  
Jack: Oh! You're here? Listen mate, how about I trade my soul for 100 other souls. Savvy?  
Davy Jones: You've got three days-zah. And I keep the kinky boy. I SHALL REMOVE BLACK SPOT NOW! -leaves-  
Jack: Gibby, we have need to go to Tortuga to gather up some souls... and another kinky boy. -sad face-  
END SCENE  
Elizabeth's stowaway ship in the night.  
FLYING DRESS: LOOK AT ME!  
Captain of the HONEST but ugly ship: Oh my god! It's a sign!  
Ugly Sailor: What does it mean?  
Boy!Elizabeth: Luckily, I have managed to put a lamp in the exact position that when I knock it over with this Flying Dress of mine, the oil that I have put on the deck and spelled Tortuga with will catch fire! I am SOOOO NIFTY!  
Ugliest Sailor: Dude, we're going to Tortuga.  
END SCENE  
Tortuga. Gibbs sits before a line of Sailor Hopefuls for the Black Pearl. Jack sits with compass.  
Gibbs: So what makes you worthy to crew the Black Pearl?  
Sailor Hopeful #1: I defeated Lord Voldemort.  
Gibbs: Lord... who? Nevermind. You're Perfect! Next! So... tell me the same.  
Sailor Hopeful #2: I destroyed the ring of power.  
Gibbs: And... erm, how did you destroy this -chuckle- ring of power?  
Sailor Hopeful #2: The fire of Mordor of course.  
Gibbs: You'll fit right in... So, what's your story?  
Sailor Hopeful #3 James Norrington: -low grumble- I used to have a stick up my butt and a big powdery wig on my head that looked like it was grown from Governer Swann's ass. Then I lost my skank fiancé, a fine hot lil' number, to a pretty boy who I had always previously thought was gay. I proceeded allowing the pretty boy, the wench, and this scallywag pirate get away. For some unknown and non-addressable reason, I changed my mind about being a good guy and decided to sail after Captain Jack and his crew in order to hang him. Unfortunately, my complete change of character left me being a dumbass and I sailed through a hurricane. Hah! That lost me my crew, my post, and most importantly, my buttsilk wig.  
Gibbs: ...Commodore?  
Scruffy!Norrington: Do you really not recognize me because of all this newly found hot manly scruffiness? It's true, underneath this sexy dirty exterior, I am the ex-COMMODORE!  
Audience: Oh my gah—GASP!  
Fan Girls: ZOMGWTFORLANDOWHO?SOGOOD! Scruffy!  
Jack: Oh my gawd. It's a sort of uncomfortable when you're feeling so hot for someone who used to look like your grandmother on testosterone pills.  
Norrington: So anyway, do I make your crew even sexier, or not? Am I worthy to sail under the man that single-handedly destroyed my stuffy life? Or should I just bang him now? -Cocks Pistol-  
Jack: Mr. Gibbs! Inform this man that he is to take up the post of Kinky Boy. And let's run away now!  
Norrington's Pistol: FI-RAH!  
Drunken Man's Bottle: EXPLODE!  
Tortuga: Has a brawl.  
Jack: I shall steal everyone's hats and leave!  
Norrington: Who wants some of this sexiness?! Come on! I'll have all of you. Just line up one... by... one.  
Tortuga People: SQUEE!  
Elizabeth: I WANT SOME OF THAT! ZOMG, why did I dump you?! Back off bitches! Oh no! The only way to get dear Scruffington out of this mess is to knock him unconscious! Buahaha... now to the pig sty... to get down and dirty in the mud.  
Norrington lies face down in the muddy pig sty while Elizabeth hovers over his body.  
Elizabeth: Oh Norry, look what the world did to you! You're so freaking screwable!  
END SCENE


	16. The End

**A/N: This is the end. Thanks to all those you read the story and reviewed. Special thanks to _iamanundeadmonkey, Black Wolf-Dog, Saphalina, me-heart-long-4-ye-SPARROW, CrazyPyroMan, Buick Regal Racecar56, 16aqua, slightly crazyy x3, Jacquotte, Beautiful x lie, _and_ pinksharpie. _**

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**Everyone else that only reviewed once:_ Second Star to the LEft, snowsparrow, Erik'sPhatomess, TheSanityStealingPenguinsQue..., DemonicSymphony, Red VanE, Arait, K.D. Sparrow, Admiral Norrington, an-angel-in-hell, Dstar504, punkballet, Nerds United, JUGGERKNOT, Little Miss Vampirate, mypiratecat1, ScarletRosePetal, Midnight Song, xNightcatx, Princess Amberly, DJizcool_ and _Totally Addicted._**

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**Another thanks to all those that sent me suggestions and entries. You know yourselves.**

**This the last of the entries. Read my other stories, Drive carefully, dont do anything Jack/Will/Liz wudnt (wud if you prefer) do. Goodbye.**

* * *

Submitted by _Nerds United:_

Jack: i'm joining alcoholics anonymous

Will: WHERE IS MY DESIGNER PIRATE MEDALLION?!?! THAT WAS FEATURED ON PROJECT RUNWAY! I NEED IT!

* * *

jack: is the...jar of dirt going to help me?  
tia: if youh don't want it give it back  
jack: no... -mumble- if dirt can make norrington look screwable then im having some -mumble-

* * *

(Will is trying to steal the key from Davy Jones when he wakes up.)  
Davy Jones: Hello boy.  
(Will runs out screaming like Jack while Davy Jones is laughing his head off.)

* * *

Will: Where are you going?  
Jack: Meeting with the most ruthless, vile, burning pirate lord.  
Will: Captain Sao feng?  
Jack: Morgan. 


End file.
